Some thoughts on adoption

I've been thinking so much about adoption lately, finally saw "Juno," and I'm reading lots of adoption blogs (one always links to several more, and before I know it I've been staring at my computer screen for hours). I think adoption is absolutely beautiful, painful, joyous, heartbreaking, and just really complicated. One thing I know for sure: adoption cannot be "the alternative" or "Plan B." I am ashamed to admit that I used to be one of those people who thought infertile couples should stop whining and "just adopt." Now that we're embarking on fertility treatment, I realize it's not nearly that simple. It seems wrong to choose adoption out of desperation or disappointment over failure to conceive. To do so makes adoption into a selfish act, i.e. "I want a baby and I deserve a baby, so I'll get one." At least for me, I will need to grieve the loss of infertility separately from making the decision to adopt. That doesn't mean the former has to happen chronologically before the latter. In many ways, I can already feel my heart being pulled more toward adoption even as the outcome of our fertility journey is still unknown.

And isn't that how so much of life is on this earth? The already and the not yet. The sorrow and the hope all tangled up in eachother and happening simultaneously. So much of this blog is, and will likely continue to be, a self-pity-party, because I have many moments where that is my honest state of mind. But God is faithful to draw me back to His truth.

I'm having a hard time articulating what kind of heartfelt desires should spur one on to adopt, but there are lots of more eloquent people out there who have described it so well. For example, one of my friends is in the process of international adoption and sent me this link in which John Piper wonderfully describes our adoption as sons and daughters of God and the applications to earthly adoption. Piper also includes the letter he gave to his wife when he decided to say "yes" to her desire to adopt. I was blown away by the obvious patience and gentleness, yet perseverance, his wife had in dealing with him on this issue.

Last night, over dinner, I mentioned that we should start saving extra money for a future adoption, and B's response was "maybe God doesn't want us to have children." Now, I can't say I haven't wondered the same thing many times, but to hear him say it out loud was so hurtful. And yet, I realized today how thankful I am that he is not going to "just go along" with whatever I say on this matter. He is going to point out all the potential problems and argue all the opposite ways of thinking. He is going to drive me to my knees in prayer over this, and I will continue to ask God to persuade his heart until I'm blue in the face. And someday, I hope, B will want to adopt even more than I do, and he will not let me do it out of vanity or pride or unmet needs, and he will not let me back out due to fear, and he will lead us in the process of expanding our family. I don't see how it could work any other way.... Actually, Juno helped teach this to my heart, too. The "painting the nursery scene" was so painful to watch for just that reason.

But to get back to the pity party theme, sometimes I'm just mad that I have to think and pray and struggle through this when other people just "end up pregnant." It seems like most people spend more time contemplating which car to buy than how to grow their family (or whether to grow it at all). And I'm not criticizing all those people...just jealous that I don't get to be one of them.