My coworker and friend had her baby last week, and since we work at the hospital, I was able to run up and hold her daughter literally two hours after she entered the world. What an amazing experience to witness such newness...so much promise and possibility in this tiny bundle. While I was in the room, the nurse came in to put on the infant's ankle bracelet, equipped with an alarm system. I joked with my friends that if it weren't for the lights and sirens and security guard take-down, I might just try to run off with her. And I was kidding...mostly.
The amazing thing is, I didn't feel jealous! I have learned to expect the sharp pain in my gut whenever I hear the news that someone else is pregnant...that terribly uncomfortable but undeniable feeling of envy. And I'm pretty sure the commandment "thou shalt not covet" applies to not coveting another woman's pregnant belly, so I'm left with guilt on top of the jealousy. But seeing my friends with their newborns doesn't provoke the same response, somehow. The joy I have for them conquers the pity I have for myself in those moments. And I'm so thankful for that.
This could all change, of course. As I continue down this infertility road, the emotions seem to intensify every month. I used to judge my infertile friends who refused to attend baby showers because "it's just too hard." I thought they were selfish. Now, I'm starting to understand. But I just really don't want to let my own disappointment rob me of the opportunity to celebrate with others. I don't want to look back on these years and regret that I was so self-absorbed I couldn't be present in my friends' lives. So I pray that God will help me through this phase of life, and I know He will. As my mom always says, "this, too, shall pass."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
beautifully said, aj. i long for others to be able to celebrate your joy with you and grieve with you during this dry season.
p.s. i miss your mom's fun expressions. last week j had a hard setback with a dissertation topic, and i found myself echoing your mom, "back to the old drawing board." not that this one was a particularly uplifting expression in any way. anyway, i said it, which made him laugh, and then i told the whole story of you sitting under the street lamp rewriting your essay.
"back to the ol' drawing board!" would apply to my situation, too, i guess. we didn't get pregnant this month...let's try again! :) i don't think B would appreciate the sentiment, however.
and i hope you also remembered to reassure J that his dissertation was "a good start." ha!
Post a Comment