Seek ye first

I realize I've abandoned this blog for over a month. There's been a lot going on inside my head, but all of it in some inaccessible region of my brain...the kind of thoughts that can't be put into words. I've been feeling a lot of emotions that I don't know what to do with, primarily anger, leaking out all over no matter how hard I try to contain it. And I think these emotions were just the outward sign of the inward struggle. And I'm coming out on the other side now.

This was bound to happen...my vision of how my life was supposed to go coming up against the way it is actually happening. Depression and bitterness are the natural consequences. And now I feel like the 2-year-old who didn't get her way. I've been throwing a hell of a temper tantrum for the last 12 months or so, and I'm emotionally exhausted. My kicking and screaming has not affected the outcome at all, so I've finally stopped. I'm lying face down on the floor, quietly sulking. And although I think sulking still constitutes rebellion and is not the response God requires of me, at least I am quiet, and maybe, just maybe, I'm now in a place to listen to my Heavenly Father, to receive his rebuke, his forgiveness, and his comfort.

I can continue to ask him "how long?" I can continue to cry out to him in my disappointment. I can recognize that this is not what God intended...our bodies not working, not accomplishing what God designed them to do...I know that this is the consequence of a fallen world. But God is on his throne. He is the conqueror in all of this, and if he chooses to overcome our brokenness in this area, he can. He is merciful and mighty. And he will do (or not do) whatever he chooses in the best possible way--the way that will bring him the most glory.

But even as I'm writing this, my heart is breaking, yearning to know the outcome. I tell myself that if I could just skip to the end of the book, then I would be content, then I could trust him fully. If God could just tell me "in five years you will have a baby," or even "you will never be pregnant, but you will have children," I like to think that I would be okay then. But the stories throughout the Bible indicate that even when God declares his promises, his people tend to forget, to doubt, to try to take matters into their own hands. And I know I would be the same way...focused on what I can get from God instead of on God himself.

So, I search for meaning in the waiting, and I hear God simply saying, "Seek ME."