Maybe I'm still having that temper tantrum after all. Last night I bit B's head off during a conversation that went something like this...

B: So, one more month on the Clomid, huh?
Me: Yep.
B: And then we give up for a while?
Me: Yep.
B: My cousin, Lisa, said not to worry because it took them 8 months to get pregnant the first time. (Lisa has two kids and she got pregnant with both of them without any medical intervention.)
B starts snickering because he knows his last statement will make me furious.
Me: WELL EIGHT MONTHS IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM EIGHTEEN, SHE NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF IT, AND I'LL WORRY ABOUT IT IF I WANT TO!

Seek ye first

I realize I've abandoned this blog for over a month. There's been a lot going on inside my head, but all of it in some inaccessible region of my brain...the kind of thoughts that can't be put into words. I've been feeling a lot of emotions that I don't know what to do with, primarily anger, leaking out all over no matter how hard I try to contain it. And I think these emotions were just the outward sign of the inward struggle. And I'm coming out on the other side now.

This was bound to happen...my vision of how my life was supposed to go coming up against the way it is actually happening. Depression and bitterness are the natural consequences. And now I feel like the 2-year-old who didn't get her way. I've been throwing a hell of a temper tantrum for the last 12 months or so, and I'm emotionally exhausted. My kicking and screaming has not affected the outcome at all, so I've finally stopped. I'm lying face down on the floor, quietly sulking. And although I think sulking still constitutes rebellion and is not the response God requires of me, at least I am quiet, and maybe, just maybe, I'm now in a place to listen to my Heavenly Father, to receive his rebuke, his forgiveness, and his comfort.

I can continue to ask him "how long?" I can continue to cry out to him in my disappointment. I can recognize that this is not what God intended...our bodies not working, not accomplishing what God designed them to do...I know that this is the consequence of a fallen world. But God is on his throne. He is the conqueror in all of this, and if he chooses to overcome our brokenness in this area, he can. He is merciful and mighty. And he will do (or not do) whatever he chooses in the best possible way--the way that will bring him the most glory.

But even as I'm writing this, my heart is breaking, yearning to know the outcome. I tell myself that if I could just skip to the end of the book, then I would be content, then I could trust him fully. If God could just tell me "in five years you will have a baby," or even "you will never be pregnant, but you will have children," I like to think that I would be okay then. But the stories throughout the Bible indicate that even when God declares his promises, his people tend to forget, to doubt, to try to take matters into their own hands. And I know I would be the same way...focused on what I can get from God instead of on God himself.

So, I search for meaning in the waiting, and I hear God simply saying, "Seek ME."

Another fantastic fortune cookie...

Seriously, how do I keep getting these fortunes? It's just cruel, really.

And exactly how long is "long?"

Alternative medicine

We're still trying Clomid, of course. One month of failure is not a cause for despair. But, in my ever-increasing pessimistic way, I am already exploring other options. Turns out there is an overwhelming number of "natural" remedies for infertility!
1. Acupuncture: lying naked on a table while someone sticks needles in my abdomen? Not sure I could do that.
2. Vitamin supplements: specially-formulated and ridiculously overpriced pills for both male and female...unfortunately, B can't swallow pills and probably wouldn't agree to take them even if he could. Is it unethical to crush them up and hide them in his food?
3. Alkaline diet: apparently, we unhealthy Americans have very acidic diets which can throw off the specific pH crucial for conception; so if I give up diet coke, desserts, refined grains, and meat, I can alkalinize myself.
And for each remedy I find there are glowing endorsements to go with them... "After months on Clomid, I switched to Fertilaid and we got pregnant right away!"

There are lots of other studies out there, too, about all the different factors that can affect fertility. For example, some studies have shown that sedentary, slightly overweight women conceive more quickly than active women. Oh yeah. That was a good justification for months of exercise-free laziness. But instead of pregnant I just got chubby. Really, if I did all the things recommended by "studies" to increase my chances of conceiving, my life would be ridiculously unliveable. So as I ventured out for a jog today, I decided to accept that this elusive conception thing can only happen if God makes it happen. God has to make those sperm reach that egg and make that egg implant in my uterus and make it stay there for 40 weeks. And standing on my head after sex or being poked with needles or making radical changes in my diet is not going to accomplish anything outside of His will. So, I'm letting go a little bit.

But I still might buy those Fertilaid supplements...the testimonials are pretty convincing!

There is still life to live...

...and I'm loving it lately. Maybe it's the 78 degree weather we had today, or the tulips blooming on the west side of my house, or the fun out-of-town/hiking/exploring weekend we had, but today was one of those precious days when I wasn't sad about my childlessness.

B and I did a lot of laughing together this weekend, and we talked about everything except our infertility. It was perfect. I wonder if infertile couples often forget how to just enjoy one another. Your entire purpose as a couple becomes reproduction, and all the other beautiful aspects of marriage just fade away in the endless pursuit of baby-making. And each successive disappointment seems to chip away at your relationship. I'll admit our infertility has left me with scary questions, such as "is God not letting us get pregnant because I wasn't supposed to marry B?" This weekend was an amazing reminder of all the ways he's so good for me, all the ways we're a great team, all the joy God has placed in our hearts, regardless of our circumstances.

At least for today, I'm content.

30

It's such an arbitrary number. Why do we infuse it with such grave meaning? And, yet, here I am feeling incredibly depressed today, because I realized it is now officially too late to have a baby before I turn 30. That expectation is dead.

For the first time, B was visibly disappointed that I didn't get pregnant this month. I thought his sadness would help me feel less alone, but actually it just made me more sad. Because now it feels like I'm letting him down, failing to provide him with something that would bring him joy. I know that's an irrational way to think about it, but I desperately want to declare the news that I'm pregnant and see him celebrate. I want to give him that gift.

Code Pink: Why I'm not jealous (no, really, I'm not)

My coworker and friend had her baby last week, and since we work at the hospital, I was able to run up and hold her daughter literally two hours after she entered the world. What an amazing experience to witness such newness...so much promise and possibility in this tiny bundle. While I was in the room, the nurse came in to put on the infant's ankle bracelet, equipped with an alarm system. I joked with my friends that if it weren't for the lights and sirens and security guard take-down, I might just try to run off with her. And I was kidding...mostly.

The amazing thing is, I didn't feel jealous! I have learned to expect the sharp pain in my gut whenever I hear the news that someone else is pregnant...that terribly uncomfortable but undeniable feeling of envy. And I'm pretty sure the commandment "thou shalt not covet" applies to not coveting another woman's pregnant belly, so I'm left with guilt on top of the jealousy. But seeing my friends with their newborns doesn't provoke the same response, somehow. The joy I have for them conquers the pity I have for myself in those moments. And I'm so thankful for that.

This could all change, of course. As I continue down this infertility road, the emotions seem to intensify every month. I used to judge my infertile friends who refused to attend baby showers because "it's just too hard." I thought they were selfish. Now, I'm starting to understand. But I just really don't want to let my own disappointment rob me of the opportunity to celebrate with others. I don't want to look back on these years and regret that I was so self-absorbed I couldn't be present in my friends' lives. So I pray that God will help me through this phase of life, and I know He will. As my mom always says, "this, too, shall pass."